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What is swinging?

What was once considered wife swapping in the past, swinging has grown to include a wide range of sexual activities. Also known as the Lifestyle, it is a broad term that refers to engaging in varying degrees of non-monogamous sex.

Who are swingers?

For some, the idea of swinging brings to mind visions of middle aged men with comb overs, polyester shirts opened to reveal gold chain covered pot bellies, paired with their equally garish, make-up plastered wives wearing skin tight, animal print micro minis. Thankfully this outdated characterization, is finally being put to rest.

Swingers cross all social, political, financial, racial and religious barriers. You would be surprised to learn that many of your neighbors, friends, co-workers, maybe even your significant other, have not only contemplated swinging but might have actually dabbled in it.

Do I have to be part of a couple to swing?

Being single has certain drawbacks. While single woman will, for the most part, have no problem finding a couple to play with, women drawn to the Lifestyle tend to be more interested in being part of a couple, than being the third in a threesome. For single men, anyone in the Lifestyle will tell you, they greatly outweigh that amount of couples who are interested in them. Besides being on the negative side of supply and demand there is also another inherent problem for single males. Single men carry an impression that either they can't find a regular partner or that they are swinging outside of a relationship. Both are not exactly a turn-on for couples involved in the Lifestyle.

Will swinging help to mend a bad relationship?

NO! While swinging can enhance and make a good relationship better it is only recommended for couples that are in a stable, preferably strong, relationship.

While most relationships "cool" over time and swinging can heat up an otherwise lackluster sex life, swinging should not be attempted by couples who do not otherwise have a healthy relationship. In some instances it can do more harm than good. Swinging should only be entered into by couples who are both confident and basically satisfied in their relationship. The most successful couples are those who enter swinging as a way of sharing the experience.

Are there any rules to being a swinger?

While clubs, groups and on-line communities all have their own set of rules there are no set rules for swinging. In general, what is considered permissible by one can be considered totally off bounds for another. However we have listed below some common principles and etiquette practices we feel will make your swinging experience more enjoyable.

Between Couples:

  • The first and most important rule is to sit down and discuss what your rules and limitations will be and make sure you don't make any agreements during lovemaking. Making an agreement while having sex is like going to the super market when you are hungry, EVERYTHING looks good.
     
  • Just because she says in the heat of the moment that she is turned on by the idea of another woman going down on you doesn't mean that she really is OK with it. Take great pains to separate what is real desire and what might simply be a momentary fantasy.
     
  • If you are part of a couple only enter swinging as a couple. By couple we do not mean you have to be married but we do suggest you have some history together. The most successful relationships in the swinger community are those where the couples first concentrated on building their relationship before entering into swinging.
     
  • While playing, never in the heat of the moment change the rules and limits you have set, there is always next time.
     
  • Your primary concern should always be the comfort and enjoyment of your partner.
     
  • Never "take one for the team." 
     
  • After play, never covertly contact others without the knowledge of your partner.

Are there any general rules for swinging?

General rules for everyone to follow

  • The Golden Rule...No means NO! Keep in mind that "Yes" can at anytime be changed to NO! 
     
  • Be honest. This doesn’t mean you have to share every private aspect of your life, but if you are married and swinging alone then be honest about it.
     
  • Be polite. If you aren't interested in someone who has shown interest, there is no reason to be rude. Being honest doesn't give you the right to be "brutally honest", a simply no thank you will suffice. 
     
  • Don't take it personally. Remember that just because a couple is in the lifestyle it doesn't mean that they will play with everyone.
     
  • Cleanliness is a turn-on, remember to bath, brush your teeth, use mouth wash, carry breath mints, and clean under your nails. Pedicures and manicures are always a good idea from a visual as well as hygienic point of view.
     
  • Don't pile on the perfume or cologne, remember some people are allergic. Remember to make sure you are fresh from a shower and have an overall fresh clean smell.
     
  • Never be pushy.
     
  • Never come between other couples. It is not your job to play marriage counselor.
     
  • Don't get drunk. While a glass or two of wine can take the edge off of an otherwise stressful moment, don't get sloppy. If you have to get drunk to play then you really shouldn't be playing.
     
  • There is a thin line between being confident and being arrogant. Don't cross that line. 
     
  • Never make plans with only half of a couple (male or female) unless everyone, including your partner, is aware of the arrangements and is in agreement with them. 
     
  • Everyone is entitled to his and her privacy. Regardless of the level of privacy you require never "out" another person. Never share their photos with anyone else. If you share a story about an escapade remember to keep other's names private. Stated simply - never kiss and tell.
     
  • If meeting on line, never ask for a photo unless you first offer one. The same prinicples goes for asking for face photos and phone numbers. 
     
  • Always make sure you carry your own condoms.
     
  • During threesomes and foursomes, if at any point one of the people feel uncomfortable all play should stop.
     
  • If you are a couple and decide to participate in a "group scene" both partners should join in. If one partner decides to take a rest then both should retire from playing.
     
  • If you are bi or bi-curious (especially if you are a male) do not experiment publicly unless it has already been discussed in advance with both your partner, as well as the other participants. Though many females in the lifestyle are to some degree ok with some bi play there are still those who are still totally straight.
     
  • Unless you are at an on-premise event and have discussed it in advance with your partner - do NOT play on the first date. That is what a first date is for to get to know each other, we realize that there are exceptions to this rule, sometimes you just meet someone and it "clicks", however if you state this prior to meeting it offers a graceful out to anyone that is not interested.
     
  • Never feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable doing (even for your partner).
     
  • Adults having sex with a minor, of any age, is NOT an acceptable part of swinging. Remember, the definitive word in the phrase “what consenting adults do with each other is their own business” is ADULTS.
     
  • Finally always practice safe sex. We realize that many couples do not make use of condoms within their relationship. However when venturing outside the relationship you owe it to yourself, your partner as well as any future play partners to take every step to ensure yours and their safety. 
     
  • For the most part the use of illegal drugs is not tolerated. This includes marijuana.

I'm confused, what is the difference between soft swap and full swap?

All swingers are NOT created equal, like every other facet of life swingers not only come in all adult ages, races, shapes and sizes they also have different likes and dislikes as well as different rules and limitations. The following list is meant as a guide however please keep in mind that few things in life are set in stone so the explanations we offer here are what we at Adult Socials consider to be the closest explanations of the terms.

  • Voyeurism: Consists of watching others have sex. Usually it is the first step upon entering the lifestyle allowing people the opportunity to ease into swinging. It is also a good time to find out what really excites both you and your partners. Some individuals never go beyond Voyeurism, preferring to sit on the sidelines and enjoy the view. Some couples will use it as fuel for their lovemaking at home and others will, to varying degrees, play with each other while watching. 
     
  • Exhibitionism: The flip side of Voyeurism, Exhibitionism consists of having sex while other watch. For some this is the biggest turn on in swinging.
     
  • Soft Swap: The next step after voyeurism and exhibitionism, and for the most part refers to play where no sexual intercourse (penetration) takes place between non-partners.

    There can be varying levels of a Soft Swap. For instance, only light touching between partners might be permissible. For others oral sex is allowed. But even then there can be varying degrees of what is and isn’t allowed. For instance some couples prefer only the women of the couple to play (the men being relegated to voyeurism or possibly only playing with their own partner).
     
  • Same Room Full Swap: Pretty much the same as a Soft Swap but with the penetration between non-partners allowed.
     
  • Separate Room Swap: Same as a full swap however the non-partners will retire to different rooms to allow for a more intimate experience. This usually only happens with more seasoned swingers and then only when the couples have a truly open sexual relationship. For many couples this defeats the purpose since many are turned on by sharing the experience with their partner.

I don't seem to fall into any of the conventional three sexual orientations (Straight, Bi, Gay)?

Sexual orientation refers to whether you are Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual. Back in the 50s the rule was if you played with a member of the same sex you were homosexual! Then the term bisexual came into vogue. Most people feel if you play with both of the sexes, in any way, then you are bisexual.

But what about someone, who in a threesome or foursome, will "dabble" with same sex play, but would never contemplate a one on one tryst with someone of the same sex? Some tend to classify this as bi-curious, but the word curious denotes that the person hasn't tried it yet. To try and add some clarity Adult Socials has added a few sexual orientations.

Sexual Orientation

  • Heterosexual / Straight: Sexual contact only with the opposite sex
     
  • Hetero-Bi-Curious: Straight and curious about bi play but has never experienced it.
     
  • Mostly heterosexual, incidentally bisexual (Heteroflexible): Straight but ok with some passive (touching), same sex contact with members of the opposite sex present
     
  • Mostly heterosexual, more than incidentally bisexual (Heteroflexible):
     
  • Straight but ok with some active (oral), same sex contact, with members of the opposite sex present
     
  • Bisexual: Equally interested in both sexes
     
  • Mostly homosexual, more than incidentally bisexual (Homoflexible): Gay but ok with some active opposite sex contact, with members of the same sex present
     
  • Mostly homosexual, incidentally bisexual (Homoflexible): Gay but ok with some passive, opposite sex contact, with members of the same sex present
     
  • Homo-Bi-Curious: Gay and curious about bi play but has never experienced it.
     
  • Homosexual: Sexual contact only with the same sex

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes...

  • Threesomes (ménage à trios): A threesome takes place when three individuals engage in sexual play at the same time. The most common in the swinger community (as well as the most common male fantasy overall) would be the MFF (one man and two women) for the most part this would consist of an MF (male/female) couple inviting an additional woman into their bed.

    However it can be any combination of three participants including a MFM (male/female couple plus an additional male). FFF (three females) or MMM (three males) however for the most part in swinging it referrers to a couple (married or single) and an additional partner.

    Some people will use the position of the letters in an abbreviation to signify who is doing what to whom. For example, a MMF could mean that there will be interaction between the two men in the threesome. Likewise, MFM could signify that there is no interaction between the two males and they are both there for the female. Starting to sound confusing? Well it can be. If you are simply open and honest in your discussions and take nothing for granted you should be able to get by just fine. For instance if you are a couple who has always wanted to try and threesome with another man but have no interest in any interaction between the men, then simply say that.

    Also remember, as a rule, threesomes are not all that common in swinger lifestyle. The reason for this is that most swingers consist of couples; however it is the way that many newbies (those new to the Lifestyle) will start off. Some couples never go beyond threesomes.
     
  • Foursomes: Foursomes are the center of the Lifestyle. Basically it involves two MF couples getting together to play.
     
  • Moresomes (orgies, group sex): Occur when more than four people get together to play sexually. The participants can be comprised of multiple couples, singles or a combination of both. It is important to remember though that since couples are at the core of the swinger lifestyle that if you were to engage in group sex you should do so only if your partner is also participating. Like a foursome or threesome group sex can be strictly straight, bi between the women only or totally bi, there can be just touching and sex with your partner, oral sex but no intercourse between non-partners or a total sexual free for all.

What is considered alternative sex?

Good question and again it really depends on who you ask; some puritans would consider anything except the missionary position between a man and woman to be alternative sex. However here are some of the more common examples of alternative sex within the Swinger community.

  • Fetish: A very broad term used to describe sexual arousal through the use or wearing or use of certain object (leather, vinyl, plastic etc) or sexual attraction to specific no conventional sexual parts of the body (feet etc). Usually denoted by placing the word “fetish” after the specific object of desire, i.e. foot fetish, leather fetish etc.
     
  • Role Playing: A practice where one or more people will take on the role of someone other than themselves. Practiced mainly between couples however can be sometimes added as a theme of an event. While most roles center around one dominate and one submissive partner they can incorporate whatever fantasies the players have. Some of the more common roles are Doctor/Patient, Patient/Nurse, Teacher/Student, and Sports player/Cheerleader.
     
  • Spanking (English culture): Involves the smacking of the butt with ones hand, belt, ruler or cane
     
  • Bondage and Discipline (B&D): The use of any restraints during sex play often employs scarves, handcuffs, ropes etc.
     
  • Sadomasochism (S&M): The giving and receiving of pain can be considered a form of foreplay or the main act of sexual play. The Sadist enjoys inflicting the pain and the Masochist enjoys receiving the pain.
     
  • Transvestitism: Wearing clothing of the opposite sex.
     
  • Water Sports (Urolagnia, golden showers): The act of one person urinating on another, it can be considered a form of foreplay or the main act of sexual play.

The above fetishes can be combined to create scenes that are quite unique to the appetites of specific players. For instance a role playing scene can be attempted where the man will woman's clothing (transvestitism) and be tied up (B&D) by another, while being spanked. Swingers are only limited by their own desires and imaginations. 

While any of the above alternative sex acts may be practiced by some swingers they should never be attempted during play unless specifically discussed in advance by all participants or where it is clearly stated as being the theme of an event. 

What is the difference between an Off-premise and On-premise club or party?

The main difference between "off" premise and "on" premise events is the amount of sexual contact allowed at the location of the event.

For the most part "off" premise events don't allow any sexual contact while "on" premise events allow sexual interaction between participants.

Please remember that there are many gray areas here, for instance most"off" premise events are fine with kissing and caressing as long as there is no nudity involved. On the other hand "on" premise events may only allow partial nudity and then only in designated areas. 

It is best to ask the event promoters or club owners specifically how much sexual interaction is acceptable. Remember that some might not be comfortable discussing that information over the phone or internet.

Keep in mind that even if an event is extremely liberal that does not mean that everyone attending must participate. Anyone at any time has the right to refrain from any participation. So don't be put off by the classification of the event. 

Ok, we discussed it and decided to take the plunge. How do we deal with jealousy?

The main cause of jealousy is when one partner gets more attention that the other. Men in particular will find that women in general get more attention. Answers to ads that have photos will commonly hold compliments directed at only the woman. This is also normal for a variety of reasons. But the opposite can also hold true.

The main ways to combat feelings of jealousy is to keep in mind that this is something you are doing together. You are a team; you are not in competition with each other. If one of you gets more attention than the other, take it as a compliment that your partner, the one who chose you, is appealing to others.

The other thing you have to realize is that most jealousy arises from feelings of inadequacy. A woman will see another woman "servicing" her husband and think "I wonder if he enjoys it more with her" instead of enjoying her partners arousal. On the same note many men worried if their partner were to play with a man who is bigger, something most men think at one time in their life. Again the man has to realize that you got into swinging to share with your partner.

A simple trick is to think of the other couple or person as a prop in your play. This is not to imply that the other couple or person's feelings are not important but rather that your partner's feelings are of more importance. Few confident men or women get jealous of sex toys, and if you do you really shouldn't be swinging.

Swingers should also make sure their partner enjoys themselves when they swing, in fact for many the biggest turn on is to see their partner loose themselves in orgasm. Remember it's about both of you sharing the moment. Many will even steal glances at each other when they are playing with a non-partner, like they are sharing an intimate secret (which they are).

Swinging is something that should enhance your lovemaking. Successful swingers actually end up having more sex in private than they did before swinging. It fuels their fantasies and shows them their partners in a whole new, more sexual, light.

Swinging in its nature is a physical enjoyment like eating, so treat it as such. It generally doesn't cause great pangs of jealousy when your spouse enjoys a favorite dish while eating out so it shouldn't cause jealousy when they enjoy sex with another. If it does then you should reevaluate your decision to swing.

If jealousy issues do arise, make sure to share them with your partner. Don't keep them bottled up, discuss them. On the flip side if your partner comes to you with jealousy issues treat it as important as it is; simply dismissing it with a smile and pat on the back can make it even worse. Take the time to address any feelings of jealousy and work them out and above all don't swing again until the issue is resolved.

While swinging can add to and otherwise healthy relationship it is important to remember it is not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with a healthy monogamous relationship. But if you are in a good relation and want to possibly add more than swinging might be for you.

 

 


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